In the last post, I talked about a calling, and I spoke from my heart. I really did. But what I failed to mention at the time was the battle raging over my own calling. Words come easy to me. I write and rewrite until the words as closely as possible say what I want them to. And I long to write, as in everyday for hours at a time. I’ve mentioned my love for writing in past posts, so we won’t chase that rabbit.
If you and I were to have a conversation, you’d likely hear more of what’s in my heart, the things not so easy to put into perfected words, and I have a feeling you’d come to know a different side of me–the not-so-perfect-but-this-is-the-work-in-progress-me.
The hardest thing in social media–at least for me–is transparency. For instance, I might not tell you how I ranted at the husband last Friday instead of going to my knees for the solace of God’s wisdom and grace. I might not tell you how frustrated I feel over the loss of my time to things like gardening and beekeeping. While these are things I enjoy, they’re not the thing I wake up overjoyed to do. I may fail to mention how the household tasks pile up around me while I sit writing. And then there’s the job, which is a requirement, but takes the majority of my day. I don’t tell you how I whine and complain my ridiculous list of grievances to a holy God. I don’t write about how I get frustrated over the small and large dogs barking and rough-housing during the middle of my short time in front of evening television. I don’t tell you how I tried to cook supper–when everyone who knows me knows I’m no chef–and half burned the volunteer mustard greens I spent time gathering when I could have been doing something I preferred. I don’t say how all these small, meaningless complaints add up to an attitude that could sink a ship.
When I ended the rant last Friday–the one at the husband–I didn’t feel better. I felt guilty, definitely not better. And somewhere near the end of the rant, I realized I never posted something hopeful and inspiring on my blog that morning, and in my head, I blamed the husband for that too. (Not funny at the time, but please, laugh with me now at the irony of this!) It’s interesting how we use social media sights to cover our public pride with words and pictures to mask our truths, but in private, we believe getting everything out in the open will heal all wounds. No matter how we repeat these catchy thoughts: time heals all wounds, sticks and stones may break bones, but words… those expressions aren’t true. Words can wound and time doesn’t heal all wounds. Fortunately, words I’ve found to be true are these: Love covers a multitude of sins.
The husband and I have had some healing conversations over the past week of days. The funny thing about the rant? I got to the bottom of a lot of surface stuff. There’s always a reason for growing discontent. The hardest thing is getting to the bottom of the pile. I think that’s where I found my discrepancy with transparency. I think it’s where I found my true struggle with calling. I know it’s where I found I’d listened to a lie.
You can count on one thing for sure when responding to a calling. The attack will come fast and furious. You will question yourself. You’ll question your ability. You’ll question others for their opinion. You’ll question God. You’ll question your calling. You’ll doubt.
This post is running long, so let’s end here. Get to the bottom of your pile. Hopefully, you can do so without a rant. Don’t listen to the haters. Don’t listen to the doubters. Don’t listen to your own self-doubt. If God’s delivered you from a past, then you have something to say for the glory of God’s kingdom. If you’ve been gifted with a talent from your earliest memory, use your God-given talent for the glory of his kingdom. If you’ve learned a new skill and fallen in love with this ability, then use the blessing of this new gift for the glory of God’s kingdom. What I’m telling you is simple. If you have a burning desire to share your gifts and talents with others, go do it. Answer the call.
Last of all, for the writing:
Update on Jake & Lindsey’s story: I’m still backing up and filling in. The story originally began in 2008 with a prologue. I hate prologues–plain and simple. At the start of this story, I planned for it to begin in 2016, however, this timeline didn’t fit with some of the story details, so I’ve backed up to the late 80’s and I’m working forward into the early 90’s. At present, the story still begins with Jake’s marriage proposal, and I may still have the hated prologue.
I’m not one of those writers who hears her characters talking, but I do see the story like a video, so I’ve been learning a few things as my characters come to life. For instance, Jake hides behind a veil of professionalism and cool-guy-next-door-bravado. Lindsey, on the other hand, holds on to her small town values. She’s southern, raised in church, and family oriented. As close as they once were, Jake and Lindsey each have things they’re keeping from one another, such as Jake’s resentment towards his father. But Lindsey has kept something from Jake as well, and in her hurt and anger over Jake’s presumed infidelity, she’ll use her secret against him.
Jake and Lindsey’s marriage was in trouble long before the story currently begins, so as a writer, this is where I’m still finding where the story will actually begin!
That’s all for now. Go write something!